Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it. It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck.
[Flying saucer smashes truck, Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
Kay: All right... That's confiscated. All of it. And I want you on the next transport off this rock or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.
Jay: [shaken] Yeah and... and... and I'm gonna be back to talk about them Rolexes.
Zed: We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.
Dr. Weaver: What's with the cat?
Cop in Morgue: Well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
Dr. Weaver: [signing] What's the problem with the cat?
Cop in Morgue: It's your problem.
Kay: All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
Jay: Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
Kay: A standard issue neuralyzer.
Jay: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Kay: On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend, you're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights then realize you're better off.
Jay: Yeah, 'cause you know what? He never appreciated you anyway. In fact, *you* kicked *him* out and now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, go to Bloomingdales, find some nice dresses, you know, maybe find somewhere you can get, you know, a facial, and hire a decorator to come in here fast because... damn.
[to candidates rejected as MIB agents]
Zed: Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training.
Zed: You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.
Bug: Place projectile weapon on the ground.
Edgar: You can have my gun, when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.
Bug: Your proposal is acceptable.
Bug: Ever pull the wing off a fly? Care to see the fly get even?
Jay: Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it.
Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.
Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.
Kay: Set for pulsar level five, subsonic implosion factor two.
Kay: Just shoot the damn thing on the count of three.
Kay: All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are approximately 1500 aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.
Jay: Cab drivers?
Kay: Not as many as you'd think.
Kay: Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Jay: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Kay: One hour.
Jay: One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay: Oh, now that's bullshit.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
Edwards: [chasing perp] Freeze! NYPD! Freeze!
[the perp he is chasing does not slow down]
Edwards: Freeze means stop!
Jay: There's only one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.
[the bug kicks Jay aside]
Jay: Did you ever flashy-thing me?
Jay: I ain't playing with you, K. Did you ever flashy-thing me?
Dr. Weaver: I hate the living.
Elle: Hey, Jay! Zed called. The high consulate from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the next Bulls game.
Jay: All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.
Elle: Rodman? You're kidding.
Elle: Not much of a disguise.
Jay: You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good.
Kay: Put up your arms and all your flippers.
Kay: Meet the Twins, Bweryang and Bob.
Beatrice: You here to make fun of me too?
Kay: No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we're aware of. May we come in?
Kay: 1500 years ago, everybody "knew" that the earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody "knew" that the earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you "knew" that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll "know" tomorrow.
[J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus]
Jay: It just be raining black people in New York.
Kay: Not bad for your second day of work, is it?
Jay: This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.
Kay: You should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968.
James Edwards: NYPD means I will Nock Yo Punkass Down.
[the Bug takes Dr. Weaver with him into the flying saucer]
Edgar: You're coming with me.
Dr. Weaver: What?
Edgar: It's a long trip. I'll need a snack.
Jay: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
Kay: You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of shit...
Jeebs: He looked all right to me.
Kay: I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
Kay: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
Jay: Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise 'round in a Ford P.O.S.
Kay: See ya around, Jay.
Jay: No, you won't.
Kay: Did he say anything to you?
James Edwards: Yeah, that the world is coming to an end.
Kay: Did he say when?
Jay: [stepping on an insect] Oh, was that your auntie? Then that must be your uncle over there.
[in a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]
Zed: May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
James Edwards: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
James Edwards: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.
James Edwards: Or do I owe her an apology? James Edwards: Maybe you already answered this, but: why exactly are we here?
Zed: [Noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son.
Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson: Second Lieutenant Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir.
Zed: What's so funny, Edwards?
James Edwards: Boy Captain America over here. "Best of the best of the best, sir." "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.
Kay: This caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the great attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
Kay: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Jay: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Kay: There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they Do... Not... Know about it!
Kay: Roaches check in...
Jay: [cocks gun] ... But they don't check out.
[after getting his head shot off]
Jeebs: You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings?
Zed: Kay, give the kid a weapon.
[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
Kay: Series 4 De-atomizer.
Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Kay: [Picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
Jay: Hey, Kay, come on man you get a Series 4 De-atomizer and I get a little midget cricket?
Kay: [Notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! kid...
[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing.
Edgar: You idiots! You don't get it - I've won! It's over! you're milksuckers! You don't matter; in fact, in just a few seconds you won't even be matter!
Jay: You know what they say. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Kay: Try it.
Jay: All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
Kay: Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
Zed: Edwards. Let's put it on.
Edwards: Put what on?
Zed: The last suit you'll ever wear.
Kay: Don't "Sir" me young man, you have no idea who you're dealing with.
Edgar/Bug: Y'know, I've noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum, totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.
Zap-Em Man: Well, yeah. Uh... don't you want to get rid of 'em?
Edgar/Bug: Ah... in the worst way.
[Jay is looking at a homely looking man who is holding a dog on a leash]
Jay: Now that's the worst disguise ever. That guy's gotta be an alien.
Frank the Pug: You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt.
Kay: I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
Jay: Aw, man, that was on Final Jeopardy last night. Damn, what did Alex say...
Kay: [opening his cell phone] Zed, we have a bug.
[Dr. Weaver is trying to stall Edgar so she can escape]
Dr. Weaver: You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen, a goddess even. There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to impress you, I'm just warning you it could start a war.
Edgar: War? Good. That means more food for my family. All 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Highness.
Dr. Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying HERE!
Kay: Keep him on THIS planet.
Jay: Kay, where are you going?
Kay: I'm going to get my gun back.
Kay: This is gonna replace the CD soon, so I'll have to buy the White Album again... Ah...
[diverting attention elsewhere]
Kay: That is a lot of fun. It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why... Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? huh?
[Jay has just helped deliver an alien baby]
Kay: Congratulations, Reg. It's a... squid.
Perp: He's coming, he's coming.
Edwards: Yeah and when he gets here I'll arrest his ass too.
[after delivering a squid-like alien baby]
Jay: You know it's actually kinda...
[baby throws up on him]
Jay: Gonna get your gun back?
Kay: I like this gun.
Edgar: Get your big butt back in the house!
Beatrice: Edgar, what on earth was that?
Beatrice: I've never seen sugar do that.
Dr. Weaver: Interesting job you guys have.
Nick the Van Driver: Goddamn bugs!
Kay: You're nothing but a smear on the Sports page to me, you slimy, ugly, intestual parasite! Eat me! Eat me!
[the Bug swallows Kay whole]
Jay: Kay! Kay!
Kay: Did anything about that seem unusual to you?
Edgar: Where do you keep your dead?
Manny the News Vendor: [thinks] I don't have any dead.
Manny the News Vendor: I don't know, the city morgue!
[Jay notices the bug driving away]
[raising his gun]
Jay: Get down!
[Kay ducks. Jay shoots and the glass window shatters, the mailbox explodes and Jay is thrown against the wall behind him]
Kay: [his first lines] We'll take it from here.
Passport Officer: You ever heard of Division 6?
Police Inspector: There is no Division 6. This is bull shit.
Passport Officer: Yeah.
Jay: [to bug] Oh, you have so got to die.
Jay: [Steps on roach] Ooo, I'm sorry. Was that your aunty?
[after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
Jay: And what, we don't like bugs?
Kay: Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
Jay: You were stung as a child, weren't you?
[after telling Jay that they're going to check the "hot sheets," Kay pulls up to a newsstand and buys a pile of supermarket tabloids]
Jay: *These* are the hot sheets?
Kay: Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.
Kay: So what do you think?
Jay: Whew! Very interesting. She got a whole "queen of the undead" thing going on...
Kay: What about the body?
Jay: Great body...
Kay: The *dead* body.